Lessons from a Divorcee: Mis-steps in marriage
Good Day Good People!
As a divorced woman (twice) I want to share a view life lessons and mis-steps for those surviving/thriving marriage. I want YOU to come FULL CIRCLE! They say "hind-sight is 20/20" so let me share a few insights to the struggle that I hope will keep the married, newly wed, or soon-to-be away from my mis-steps and toward the helpful life lessons from my humbled perspective.
As always, this perspective is from both a physical and spiritual point of view without judgment (meaning your lens must remove the good, the bad, the right, the wrong from the past situations encountered).
The 3 most important tools that your marriage should have are conduct, consideration, and covenant. Conduct, of course, is how you act in a variety of situations. This behavior is largely inclusive of your motivations (which are often fear based; the fear of losing something or someone from a very self-centered ego-focused and most times subconscious points of view).
Consideration, is the choices that we make in our thoughts before they become actions. This process often includes a surface reflection of rewards and consequences established by our backstory (our values, beliefs, experiences) over time.
Covenant is the agreement between the married parties and God. Each person makes a covenant with each other and to God. The minute you add a promise to "love" you have added a promise to love God. God is anywhere love is and love is anywhere God is.
Therefore when you remove "love" you remove God, when you remove God you remove love... And clearly LOVE is key!
INTENTION of Actions
Personally, my mis-steps were physically centered around the misunderstanding and misuse of these 3 tools. My first mis-step was that I did not have a standard for love; I only knew what made me "feel" good and what didn't. I only wanted what felt good because I associated that "feeling" with love... The man that made me "feel" good most of the time seemed like an ideal husband. I could have this good feeling most of the time and we could build together! Yes! Right?...Not so much...after a few years and a few struggles... And no other "real" standards for love that we set or knew to set... Our marriage failed.
Our back story included insecurity, lack of trust, lack of honesty, outside influences, and God on the mantle in the family bible given as a tradition in new marriages. Without the standard of love we didn't know how to conduct ourselves.
Next, our thoughts/consideration (and lack thereof) was instrumental in what we gave time to consider. It was ultimately expressed in our choices. How much more could I take? There was no physical abuse... There was no mental abuse... But there was also no "self-work" to improve on who we were individually or collectively.
We were, who we were, and the other personal just had to deal with it. Cause I (or he) wasn't going to change; after all I was who he married... Right. He took my flaws without any expectation that I needed to work on them anymore than he had to work on his... Right? BIG WRONG!
We must be in a constant state of growth. If insecure we should be working to heal those areas or more of what you need to grow you will show up... Not to torture you but to remind you where you need the most work most urgently. Most importantly, to learn how to forgive... Forgive yourself, your past, and your present... Heal and move forward being and becoming whole!
I honestly did not realize that we put our marriage under a covenant with God. Which means simply that there are 3 spirits engaged in the relationship but only 1 could always see all 3 points of view. Only One would know the truth, see into the heart, understand the intention, guide the expectation, bring humility, understanding, peace and joy.
I just thought it was me that had all the answers and I acted accordingly... Cause it was me (and him) for better or for worse... I felt I got better and he got worse... And it got worse before it got better as I struggled (sometimes we struggled) to do it alone. When we only needed to seek God first take our individual issues and situations there first and friends last (if at all).
CONSIDERATION for Solution
There is wisdom in self-reflection. There is love is my sharing with you. There is a message in this for you. Understanding life from a spiritual perspective; having this human experience is extremely enlightening. We are not our bodies nor our circumstance.
We are here to fulfill our purpose... To bring love (true love--- remember anywhere God is there is love and anywhere love is God is also)... To raise the vibration of this reality a little higher because you contribute to it! What you bring to your marriage and whereby your legacy; is the best that we can do in our shared journey with a mate! This is what endures. This is what the ring placed on the finger of husband and wife truly represents... Coming full circle.
Books by Heather Hetheru Miller available on Amazon
-Cardinal in Red Dress my journey from the valley of death; 100 ways to keep your Woman or regain her live; Patch of Grass creating a sacred space
Workshop and Learning Series by Your Inspired Journey - Surviving Divorce Mending a Broken Covenant or From Secret to Sacred for God Centered Women
...let the journey continue!